I have bottled up my feelings long enough. This won't get posted on facebook, so only people who follow me, just because, will likely ever read it. I'm fine with that. This is for me. This is for standing up for myself. This is for getting it off my chest. It will still be vague, but if you live near me, chances are you'll figure out who it is. This is because I'd love to give this person a piece of my mind, but it would likely do no good. And this is because this person cannot hurt me anymore. And I am celebrating that.
It's very hard for me to believe people are evil. It is easy to see when they are choosing evil. So even though I feel this person has done a lot of harm...way more harm than good...and the person did do good, I still feel that there are very sad reasons for it. And in spite of the ugly actions of this person, I can honestly say I have forgiven and continue to pray for him/her. This is my experience...my perception. There are likely some people that had fine and dandy interactions. There are some who likely had no interaction. And, the interactions I had were on a basic level just fine. It was what was going on behind that will take me some time to return to being trusting of some.
I never knew that asking simple questions could get you in so much trouble.
I never knew that facing a challenge with a person face to face could result in slander, name calling, gossip, false accusations, and loss of income.
I never knew that continuing to be kind to someone in spite of a negative experience, and apologizing for my own problems, could get me absolutely nowhere.
I never knew that people who know you personally could believe such untrue and outlandish things about you.
I never knew that one year I could be so confident and happy about myself, my dealings with others, and my life in general, and the next year I could be practically a loner with barely any friends (it felt like it anyway) dreaming of nothing but moving, and crying way too often and quivering at the thought of certain things.
I never knew I could be treated so unprofessionally repeatedly, and be able to suck it up, keep it to myself, and just keep swimming.
I never knew that in spite of all that happened I could still be eternally grateful for a particular influence from this very same person.
I never knew that my husband could have so much patience and understanding over and over and over and over as issues continued to occur.
I never knew that I could turn to my sisters for escape and be completely uplifted and supported.
I realized eventually that I was not a slave to the situation and I could go find joy in many other places and people.
I realized eventually that I still had choices and I still had personal power.
I realized eventually that prayer was almost the only thing to get me through and miraculously change the situation.
I realized eventually that it wasn't me, it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, some people are just miserable, mean, and vindictive.
I realized eventually that I can still realize the above and feel sorry for, pray for, and wish for happiness for someone obviously in so much need.
I realize now that situations can change in an instant and sometimes it just requires retreat, meditation, and hanging in there. I am so glad the resolution has come and life is moving guardedly, albeit hopefully forward. I know trust will eventually return. And caution will be left far behind as a distant memory. Until then, I am stepping back into my old happy confident self. And that is something I do care about!
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