Every once in a while, or more, life just slams you and gets in the way of living. You're just living your normal busy stressed life, trying to juggle it all and then, WHAMMO! Accidents, health issues, changing life circumstances. You never know when something is going to require you to stretch.
I have felt stretched for a few months. My business is stretching me in a fantastic way. That just causes everything else in my world to also be stretched. So, I take each day the best I can, knowing I could really be doing better in the important things, but realizing, sometimes there are just seasons we are better at it than others. The last few weeks I have particularly been trying to appreciate what I am doing RIGHT, rather than beating myself to death for all the things I am not. I attempt to love God, love myself, and love others. THAT is the two great commandments right?
But a couple of months ago, something hit us we really weren't expecting. I could never imagine that any of my children would be divorced. Most of them aren't even married yet. But, we got a distressed phone call. We wept with him, and we chose to see the situation as a blessing and an eventual opportunity. (That same week, our 3 year old grandgirlie had a burst appendix and was in the hospital for a week, what a week!)
So why am *I* overwhelmed? Well, moms just hurt for their kids. It's what we do. And a communication came in that has caused me to lose A LOT of sleep. Before the communication (an email), there were some really hurtful words and accusations. I just happened to be saving seats for our Young Women at the Easter pageant. As I seethed over the information, I thought about Jesus Christ. The words came to me, "Jesus was accused of things." My next thought was a question. "What did Jesus do when he was falsely accused?" Matthew 27:12 came instantly to mind.
"...and he answered nothing."Nothing? He answered nothing. Could I answer nothing? I could not. So, I tried to make my answer as Jesus like as I could. But that just invited the communication.
The communication was filled with reasons, explanations, justifications. A side of the story. It was written to me and oh how I wanted to respond. But, I decided it probably wasn't wise and just replied that I could say a lot of things but instead I would just pray for the communicator. The end. Right? WRONG!
I consciously wanted to move on. Just let it be done with. But my subconscious was having none of it. My very busy days helped me not to think on anything. But as soon as I would lie down at night, it was a-whole-nother story. I did not bid my mind to do so, but it began writing responses. Long ones. I would argue with my brain. "I don't want to do this. You can stop now. I'M NOT GOING THERE!" To no avail. Sometimes it would start when I first went to bed. Sometimes I would manage to avoid it and get to sleep, but I would wake up mid-night and mid sentence responding. Or, I'd wake at 4 or 5 in the morning and off and away my brain would go.
My heart was in a battle too. The stress on my face has had to be evident to everyone. I catch myself and think, "good gracious woman, relax your face!" I help people with stress! I taught a class about stress last week. Just to teach the class, I had to practice what I preach several times. I prayed, I tapped, I did deep breathing, I took a long bath (after a mini triathlon). Nothing worked.
I've tried singing hymns in my head and last night, I prayed until I fell asleep. But last night for the first time there was a change. I find it rather hysterical. We went to see the Millenial Choir and Orchestra last night and it was awesome. On the way home, we were listening to Pentatonix. Well, I probably woke up ten times. EVERY SINGLE TIME the lyrics Cracked started. "Mine's cracked, whoa oh oh uh oh." Oh my gosh.
It's a long post, but hey, this is therapy FOR ME.
I have been praying my guts out. Pleading that I could let go of this letter writing in my sleep. It's been horrible. A few mornings ago, I finally asked the question, SHOULD I reply? Maybe I should. I don't know. How would I know if I should? Later a question came to mind, if I replied what would be a reply that would HELP? Hmm, I don't know that either, but I did not want to practice writing AT ALL.
Instead I asked that I be shown a way to know, whether or what my response should be. All this time, I have often thought of Abigail and her example. I have thought of Christ reaching out to me and saying "let me have it." Let this "sin" be upon me. I WANT to let him take it, or do I?
I decided yesterday to fast, pray, go to my favorite place, leave the burden there. I also planned to do any of my emotional work that I know to do, to help release my stuckness to this issue. Then a funny thing happened today. I was praying and fasting as I said. We had gone next door to help Secret Agent and his DW paint their house. I came home after a couple of hours to work.
The tv was on and the Chromecast was connected. So, all those lovely screens were going by every minute. I looked up briefly and what I saw nearly made me gasp. There was a familiar painting. It was this one. I'm not sure I've ever seen art on the Chromecast background.
I looked at the corner screen to make sure and yes, it was. David and Abigail. I wanted a CLEAR answer. The words came to me, "let me take this." That was my answer. No need for me to respond to the communication, but what about the emotions? What about the letter writing in my head? I just don't know. I do know that I should:
Well, for one thing a former neighbor to us in Duncan was in the temple for her very first time. Because of that, several of our former Duncan friends were also there. Several couples. A former visiting teaching companion. And the neighbor's grandfather who was a favorite to me.
During the session, one friend whispered something very encouraging and sweet. After in the dressing room, another offered loving kindness as she noticed something about me and gave me a hug. After, another made a comment on my facebook post. I was overwhelmed with evidence that I am known and He cares enough to express it in ways I uniquely understand. My prayers were answered today, and I want to say I have complete faith and hope that tonight will be restful, but I'm human. I do hope, but we'll see what tonight brings.
Whatever it brings, I am overwhelmed to know that my Father knows and loves me. When any of us turn to Him in pleading, He WILL provide answers, sometimes in ways that we know were suited just for our benefit. I am so thankful for the PEACE of God which surpasses all comprehension.
