2017 In Review

IAT = I am thankful

It's been a year of ups and downs. Mostly ups. We are grateful for health and happiness every day.

Bret is still working with church education as an Institute instructor, still a counselor in the bishopric. This year serving over the Institute student council. It's hard to believe we are actually beginning to talk about retirement and hoping it comes sooner than later. He loves tinkering in the shop on any of the problems that happen with vehicles and on the property with other projects. Next year, possibly building a house. 

I have been attending the Functional Medicine Coaching Academy this year. I will graduate with a health and wellness certification in January with the 3rd class. I can sit for national certification in June, only the second group to do so. I am excited about my future and opportunities doing something I love. Combining coaching, Functional medicine, nutrition, positive psychology, mind-body medicine, and the psychology of eating. They wrapped everything I'm interested in up into one program. I'm enjoying my 2nd year as YW Pres, along with a busy successful real estate year. I look forward to the transition out of something that has been so good to us over the last few years to something that will be so much more fitted for my personal joys.

Drew and Liz moved in next door! They did a total home remodel and it's beautiful! So now they are our neighbors and ward members and we love being able to see them impromptu often. Elizabeth is working with me in Young Women's. Andrew is teaching Sunday School. Our little cuties are getting bigger and we love being able to see them whenever we want. Charity upped the ante (from broken bones previously) when she was hospitalized with appendicitis earlier this year and had it removed. Elizabeth is enjoying being a Junie Blake consultant (modest clothing) and teaching Chinese kids English through VIP kids.

Chris and Anica are always on the go and enjoying everything they can about life! Chris is attending the Thunderbird School of Global Management for a Master's degree. Anica is starting a new job at U of A running their MBA program. They've moved to Tucson and Chris is continuing in the solar industry while going to school. They love traveling, making friends wherever they go, entertainment, and their sweet little Yorkiepoo Ruby. Anica has a beautiful blog. http://anicarose.com/

The rest of the boys. Joseph has been busy figuring out his next step with some unexpected changes. He briefly lived in California and is now closer to home finishing his associates at EAC. He's filling our home and lives and community with laughter and music. He was able to take a trip to China earlier this year with friends and loved it.

Jefferson came home from his mission to Oklahoma. Always joyful to get them back after loaning them out for two years! He got his real estate license and in January is moving to the Salt Lake City area for new career opportunities. You can't imagine how happy it makes me for all of us to be "together" in our various ways and spaces.

Noah has been attending an online charter school and our local college. He decided not to finish after this semester but will get his GED and work more hours to save and prepare for his mission when the time is right. He aged out of the college plays he has enjoyed and we look forward to seeing how some of those talents continue to develop. He has a beautiful voice that we hope he pursues developing.

Emily finished her associates degree this month and gets to figure out the next steps in life. She moved out on her own and it's fun to see her pop in and out from time to time. Busy college girl, doing very well in her studies. She works at our local Hawaiian restaurant and nannies part time.

And Olivia. Olivia started her first year of high school at Pima High School. Hard to believe the baby is a freshman. And we've now had a child in every high school in this valley. She played volleyball this year, continues her art lessons and is taking piano. She's still a smiley happy girl and we hope she stays that way.

I am reminded often how much we have to be grateful for. Most of all, a Savior in whom we trust and hope. How thankful we are to have such knowledge to rely on. Merry Christmas to all of our friends and family near and far. 

YOU're Responsible

IAT = I am thankful for

CHRISTMAS.

How has six months gone by without a post? No wonder my brain is broken. If I can't take a few minutes every few weeks.....

You can't get very far into personal development without running into the idea that we are responsible for where we are in life. You can blame, whine, complain all you want, but it doesn't change anything. No, you may not have been responsible for how or where or when you were born, or how you were raised, but eventually you DO have some responsibility for yourself.

Too many people are too quick to think they have no influence on where they are in their lives. It takes a long time to realize that you can control, not only how you feel, but how you live. One of my favorite bits of info comes from a really old book. 

There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

A thought, in this substance, Produces the thing that is imaged by the thought.

Man can form things in his thought, and, by impressing his thought upon formless substance, can cause the thing he thinks about to be created.

What that says is, YOU ARE WHERE YOU THINK YOU ARE. Negative thoughts absolutely bring negative outcomes. Positive thoughts bring positive outcomes. All. The. Time. You are thinking yourself into your reality and you can think yourself out of it. If you pick up a personal development book and it doesn't have that in there somewhere, move on to another book. If this is new to you, I know what look you have on your face, because I used to have that look on my face.

 Anyway, I was thrilled to read a talk recently that brought the idea into the gospel setting. Because *I* see the principle woven through the scriptures and in talks all the time, but to have the title actually be BE 100% RESPONSIBLE? Too good to be true. I love devotionals and firesides, because we get the deep stuff from the GAs. A fifteen minute conference talk just scrapes the surface.

So read this because it's awesome sauce and try to get it through your head. If you want better circumstances, you have to BELIEVE they are possible, THINK about different circumstances, ACT in every way to bring it about and be GRATEFUL that your circumstances are already changed. Then PERSIST in the thought until the reality has arrived.

Click this.
BE 100% RESPONSIBLE

Here are some of my favorites from it.

complete and total agency comes with complete and total responsibility:

The Anti-Responsibility List (so good!)

It is important to recognize that excuses never equal results. In the case of Laman and Lemuel, all the excuses in the world could never obtain the brass plates. The reason Nephi obtained the plates and Laman and Lemuel didn’t is because Nephi never went to the anti-responsibility list. He was a champion, and champions do not turn to the list.

Having faith in Jesus Christ is to trust that because of His atoning sacrifice, He will correct all injustices, restore all things lost, and mend all things broken, including hearts. He will make all things right, not leaving any detail unattended. Therefore, “ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds” 

In summary, being 100 percent responsible is accepting yourself as the person in control of your life. If others are at fault and need to change before further progress is made, then you are at their mercy and they are in control over the positive outcomes or desired results in your life. Agency and responsibility are inseparably connected. You cannot avoid responsibility without also diminishing agency. Mercy and justice are also inseparable. You cannot deny the Lord’s justice without also impeding His mercy. Oh, how Satan loves to divide complementary principles and laugh at the resulting devastation!

Just go read it. And then start practicing it. I started 11 years ago. I'm a completely different person and I hope in 11 more years, I'll be completely different again. I hope in a good way.  

Love. Love. LOVE.

IAT = I am thankful

for wisdom.

About three months ago, I was given the opportunity to speak at our Stake Women's Conference. It was a lovely evening with speakers far more talented and entertaining than I. I had over a month to prepare and I am not sure that helped. It just made me so nervous because my topic was the atonement (The Refiner's Fire) and that's not something you can really joke your way through. On top of that, I felt very strongly that I was to tell my story. Again. Something I don't really enjoy telling. But, I did, and in the telling were these words.

What is the first great commandment? Anyone?

Love God with ALL, heart, soul, strength, mind. The scriptures tell us NOTHING can separate us from the love of God, and He wants us to return that love back to Him. That may be half the problem right there. Do we really love Him so much with ALL that we have and are that we trust Him rather than doubt Him? Do we accept the things we cannot change rather than worry, wring our hands, and whine about our lot to anyone who will listen?

What’s the second?

Love thy neighbor as THYSELF. What do we know about these 2 commandments and the rest of the law and prophets?

It all hangs on these two. L-O-V-E. Every single commandment is about love.

So after I gave my talk, these thoughts kept coming back to me again and again. I pondered these 2 great commandments. What came to me was to strip them down to the very bare bones. So, I came up with Love God. Love self. Love others. But I felt like they should be stripped down ever farther. It's obvious when you see them like that. Love. Love. Love.

"So that's it." I thought. All the other commandments hang on love. Wait. The 2 great COMMANDMENTS are simply L-O-V-E? LOVE.

When your heart is broken---LOVE.
When God doesn't seem to hear you---LOVE
When someone mistreats you---LOVE
When your toddler throws a tantrum---LOVE
When your teen is pregnant---LOVE
When your children forget you---LOVE
When someone hurts your children---yes---LOVE
When you are criticized---LOVE
When your parents aren't who you thought they were---LOVE
When you aren't recognized---LOVE
When you want to lash out---LOVE
When you want to cry---LOVE
When you want to die---LOVE

I realize it's easier said than done. However, we get plenty of opportunities to do it every day. We're not to preach or teach or judge or turn our backs. We are to follow the Master in His example of love.

There is it again. A commandment. Look around you. Find someone loving, and follow their lead. What do they do? Study the life of the Savior, the greatest example of love there ever is or was. Look around you. See anyone suffering? Pull up a chair, or a blanket, or a shovel, and just love them. Don't forget to be kind and loving to yourself.

Overwhelmed

IAT = I am thankful for it all

Every once in a while, or more, life just slams you and gets in the way of living. You're just living your normal busy stressed life, trying to juggle it all and then, WHAMMO! Accidents, health issues, changing life circumstances. You never know when something is going to require you to stretch.

I have felt stretched for a few months. My business is stretching me in a fantastic way. That just causes everything else in my world to also be stretched. So, I take each day the best I can, knowing I could really be doing better in the important things, but realizing, sometimes there are just seasons we are better at it than others. The last few weeks I have particularly been trying to appreciate what I am doing RIGHT, rather than beating myself to death for all the things I am not. I attempt to love God, love myself, and love others. THAT is the two great commandments right?

But a couple of months ago, something hit us we really weren't expecting. I could never imagine that any of my children would be divorced. Most of them aren't even married yet. But, we got a distressed phone call. We wept with him, and we chose to see the situation as a blessing and an eventual opportunity. (That same week, our 3 year old grandgirlie had a burst appendix and was in the hospital for a week, what a week!)

So why am *I* overwhelmed? Well, moms just hurt for their kids. It's what we do. And a communication came in that has caused me to lose A LOT of sleep. Before the communication (an email), there were some really hurtful words and accusations. I just happened to be saving seats for our Young Women at the Easter pageant. As I seethed over the information, I thought about Jesus Christ. The words came to me, "Jesus was accused of things." My next thought was a question. "What did Jesus do when he was falsely accused?" Matthew 27:12 came instantly to mind.

"...and he answered nothing."

Nothing? He answered nothing. Could I answer nothing? I could not. So, I tried to make my answer as Jesus like as I could. But that just invited the communication.

The communication was filled with reasons, explanations, justifications. A side of the story. It was written to me and oh how I wanted to respond. But, I decided it probably wasn't wise and just replied that I could say a lot of things but instead I would just pray for the communicator. The end. Right? WRONG!

I consciously wanted to move on. Just let it be done with. But my subconscious was having none of it. My very busy days helped me not to think on anything. But as soon as I would lie down at night, it was a-whole-nother story.  I did not bid my mind to do so, but it began writing responses. Long ones. I would argue with my brain. "I don't want to do this. You can stop now. I'M NOT GOING THERE!" To no avail. Sometimes it would start when I first went to bed. Sometimes I would manage to avoid it and get to sleep, but I would wake up mid-night and mid sentence responding. Or, I'd wake at 4 or 5 in the morning and off and away my brain would go.

My heart was in a battle too. The stress on my face has had to be evident to everyone. I catch myself and think, "good gracious woman, relax your face!" I help people with stress! I taught a class about stress last week. Just to teach the class, I had to practice what I preach several times. I prayed, I tapped, I did deep breathing, I took a long bath (after a mini triathlon). Nothing worked.

I've tried singing hymns in my head and last night, I prayed until I fell asleep. But last night for the first time there was a change. I find it rather hysterical. We went to see the Millenial Choir and Orchestra last night and it was awesome. On the way home, we were listening to Pentatonix. Well, I probably woke up ten times. EVERY SINGLE TIME the lyrics Cracked started. "Mine's cracked, whoa oh oh uh oh." Oh my gosh.

It's a long post, but hey, this is therapy FOR ME.

I have been praying my guts out. Pleading that I could let go of this letter writing in my sleep. It's been horrible. A few mornings ago, I finally asked the question, SHOULD I reply? Maybe I should. I don't know. How would I know if I should? Later a question came to mind, if I replied what would be a reply that would HELP? Hmm, I don't know that either, but I did not want to practice writing AT ALL.

Instead I asked that I be shown a way to know, whether or what my response should be. All this time, I have often thought of Abigail and her example. I have thought of Christ reaching out to me and saying "let me have it." Let this "sin" be upon me. I WANT to let him take it, or do I?

I decided yesterday to fast, pray, go to my favorite place, leave the burden there. I also planned to do any of my emotional work that I know to do, to help release my stuckness to this issue. Then a funny thing happened today. I was praying and fasting as I said. We had gone next door to help Secret Agent and his DW paint their house. I came home after a couple of hours to work.

The tv was on and the Chromecast was connected. So, all those lovely screens were going by every minute. I looked up briefly and what I saw nearly made me gasp. There was a familiar painting. It was this one. I'm not sure I've ever seen art on the Chromecast background.

I looked at the corner screen to make sure and yes, it was. David and Abigail. I wanted a CLEAR answer. The words came to me, "let me take this." That was my answer. No need for me to respond to the communication, but what about the emotions? What about the letter writing in my head? I just don't know. I do know that I should:

Heart and mind. Hmm. So, even though I KNEW something I pretty much already knew, I decided to get over to the temple. It was THERE that I became overwhelmed in a good way. Overwhelmed with the blessings God gives me. Overwhelmed with His preparing a way once again for me. Overwhelmed with the kindness of those around me. What did I find at the temple?

Well, for one thing a former neighbor to us in Duncan was in the temple for her very first time. Because of that, several of our former Duncan friends were also there. Several couples. A former visiting teaching companion. And the neighbor's grandfather who was a favorite to me.

During the session, one friend whispered something very encouraging and sweet. After in the dressing room, another offered loving kindness as she noticed something about me and gave me a hug. After, another made a comment on my facebook post. I was overwhelmed with evidence that I am known and He cares enough to express it in ways I uniquely understand. My prayers were answered today, and I want to say I have complete faith and hope that tonight will be restful, but I'm human. I do hope, but we'll see what tonight brings.

Whatever it brings, I am overwhelmed to know that my Father knows and loves me. When any of us turn to Him in pleading, He WILL provide answers, sometimes in ways that we know were suited just for our benefit. I am so thankful for the PEACE of God which surpasses all comprehension.

"Priorities"

IAT = I am thankful

I admit it. I'm in over my head. I'm doing too much. I literally have to take each day as it comes. If I look ahead, my head starts to spin. I don't like to wish time away. I like to be more present in what I am doing. I shared with friends recently all that was stacked on my plate. They gave the right advice. Drop some things. Prioritize. Say no. Only sometimes, you can't prioritize, you can't drop anything, and saying yes is a greater blessing than saying no. Sometimes you have to be more efficient and just keep plugging along.

There have been many times in my real estate "career" where months went by without income. I have threatened to quit many times, but whenever I prayed about it, the answer was no. Which is funny, because it reminds me of how I came in. No. No. NO, double NO. Ok, NOW! That made me laugh.

Because I believe I have finally conquered my anxiety around money. And because I have learned to see with the eye of faith. And because the whispering of the Spirit has invited some small changes. And because I am often focused on gratitude, I have had a couple of really good years in real estate.

Because I now know it will eventually come to a close, I am taking advantage of the work that just keeps coming in. I'm grateful it will help us reach some goals we have been reaching for. When the time is right, the chapter will be closed completely.

I never knew when I said yes to my current assignment in church (Young Women Pres) what exactly I was saying yes to. Now my eyes are wide open, and I've spent the first 8 months almost literally running a race of what is the next thing. Thankfully, finally, things have slowed down just a little. But even so, it's a non stop dance of meetings, trainings, lessons, activities, new callings, events, etc.

Because I just couldn't stand NOT being overly busy, not knowing that I would be, I signed up for some new schooling. THIS I am very excited about. But I'm a little distressed that this first month I have not had the time to do all my assignments. But, one day at a time. Looking for wholes in the day to read and listen to the calls and recordings and do the assignments.

Then speaking. Two assignments in the same month. Well, one, they gave me over a month to prepare, so I thought that was fine. And on a subject I have spoken about before. So, I've just mostly read my old talks and pondered and written down thoughts as they come to me. But today's talk, which you can read here, took a lot of time, because I've never spoken about mercy before. I was glad to be able to study a little more and just wished I had known the subject in a way that I could have been less stressed in my presentation. I hope no one thought I was scowling at them! :-)

This is just my life for now. It will be ok. It won't last forever. I do know however, that I am pretty much at my limit. So no new stuff, OK? OK. Looking forward to a couple of breaks. My anniversary coming up. And Spring Break. I'll take some time then. And I believe March and April look much less busy. WHEW!

I Can Do Nothing

IAT = I am thankful

For increased understanding.

We were reading in Philippians 4 as a family this morning. Bret read the following verses which I am more than familiar with. One is a top favorite for me, but as he read the words,  a light bulb went on in my head.

11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

 Paul wrote this letter from PRISON to his friends in Phillipi. He speaks of rejoicing, caring for one another,  bring thankful,  receiving peace, and their care of him. He wanted them to know his suffering was acceptable and he was content in his opposition, because of the strength he received from Christ! His final words are to tell his friends that ALL of their NEEDS will be supplied.

What an amazing comfort!

I've had it all wrong. I really DO believe Jesus Christ can help you do, be, and have all that you dream of. CAN is the operative word. I've found He often does just that. However, it's a much more comforting idea to me that he will be with us in every trial, every need, like Paul, teaching us to be content in any circumstance. Indeed, I've experienced that as well.

I testify that He knows our need and He is our Supply in those times of need. I'm so grateful I can do all things through Him; whether abased or abounding,  hungry or full,  suffering or prospering.

Tomorrow Isn't Promised

So, we just got home from watching the movie Collateral Beauty. I like Will Smith. I think he's an excellent actor, I like his personal philosophy, and he nailed this part. I debated whether to see it. Generally, I don't like going to movies with gratuitous language. Fortunately, it was minimal, but it was there. Warning, it has an f bomb. :-( The critics panned it. They didn't like the platitudes and said it was too much like a Hallmark movie. Apparently the "critics" have never had any personal tragedies. Maybe it didn't come to any real answers but I was swallowing hard and wiping away tears most of the movie. Because I've been Howard.

I realized tonight that if tragedy strikes in your life, you can relate to tragedy in anyone else's life. I've never lost a child, but my mother committed suicide. So, no, I don't know exactly what it's like to lose the future of promise and hope in someone you've given life to, but I know intimately what it's like to lose the future promise and hope in a relationship with someone you didn't have nailed down in the first place. No one in my life has ever been taken unexpectedly by accident or murder, but 2 people have been taken unexpectedly; my mother by suicide, and my grandfather by heart attack.

Both times, I was separated from my family and all alone. Maybe I identified too closely with  Howard, because I came home and bawled. Not something I normally do after watching a movie.

Love, Time, Death. Three things that connect us all. Howard says we all want love, need more time, and fear death. But this isn't really a move critique or a plug to go see it. The core point of the movie is tomorrow isn't promised. The biggest disappointments, grief, and sorrow in my life have come, when tomorrow was stolen. The proof for me was in my reaction to the movie tonight. It's 30 years later and at some level, I still feel like tomorrow was stolen. Because all of my tomorrows with my mother WERE. I've forgiven her for that.

The next biggest disappointment is watching others take tomorrow for granted. I do it too, but the real message of Collateral Beauty is LIVE TODAY.

Don't wait to take a trip.
Don't wait to have children.
Don't wait to go after something you really want.
Don't wait to be with your family.
Don't wait to use the good china.
Don't wait to mend a relationship.
Don't wait to live in THIS moment.
Don't wait to be present with those you love.
Don't wait till someone dies. 

Live and love today. Because tomorrow isn't promised. My sweet friend Shantel had 9 dear friends and family members die in three months time a few years ago. She talks about how they were afraid to answer the phone anymore. She knows too well that tomorrow isn't promised. That's why she teaches and preaches to others to live like you are dying. Really LIVE. There are too many among us who are already dead. Three years after Howard's daughter dies, he's not living. He's wishing he was dead and he's almost lost everything because his grief has overcome him.

It's interesting to me how very positive most of us are. We live like we can have everything tomorrow. It has to be some kind of survival trait. We take for granted that the thing we planned may not happen, or the people who we thought would be there WILL actually be there. Tomorrow isn't promised. We have to take advantage of todays. Present moments. 

After the movie, I realized I was dead for a year after my mom died. I went through the motions. I laughed now and then, but I barely remember anything. I woke back up after reading an article in the Ensign that I felt was written just for me. Then I finally started to heal. I finally started to wake back up and live. I got smacked right back down, because my grandfather died that next year, but someone came into my life to help me share the grief, and I got out of it a little quicker.

Tomorrow isn't promised. You can't wait to do the important things just because other things are taking your time. If it can be done, do it. The one thing the movie doesn't really address, is the solution. Death, Time, and Love and the messages they bring to Howard, finally get him to wake up, but real healing only comes through real meaning. I'm so grateful for faith, love, and hope. For atonement, and understanding, and redemption. These things can give us meaning. Unfortunately we only get to know that when we have to draw on them for our answers.

The problems in the movie aren't resolved at all, but in real life, you don't always get the solution quickly. It often takes years to sort through all the emotions, our beliefs, the application of them, and the getting down to living every day life. I'll continue to ponder this movie. I'm not sure I'll watch it again. Well, maybe when it comes out on DVD and I can wrap myself in a blanket when no one is home and watch it all by myself. Maybe then. Until then, I hope I remember every day, to live today, because tomorrow isn't promised.  But I'm grateful for eternity and a Savior who one day gives us back all our lost tomorrows.