that I haven't followed every impulse.
that unhappiness is not lasting.
that there are answers to every problem when you are willing.
that I am married to a very patient man.
that we have lasted this long. (25 and counting)
(This is written from an LDS perspective)
A friend called me a few days ago, with some bad news. Her daughter is getting a divorce. Saddest news ever. Well, why I wanted to know? Pornography addiction, infidelity, substance abuse, physical abuse? The reason doesn't matter. But let's just say we were both heartbroken, because the reasons seemed like maybe they were fixable. I've known this friend a very long time. I watched her little girl grow up from a distance. I was lucky living so far apart to have been coincidentally able to attend her wedding. A beautiful bride, a beautiful groom, full of promise. Just less than 2 years later, they are a family, with a baby. Did I say heartbreaking?
So, my friend asked me. What advice would you give? What advice would *I* give? I'm not a shrink or a counselor. But I've been married. I'm still married 25 years later. What works? Why are we still together? Well, I keep thinking about what the officiator said at this young couple's wedding. After they had made their COVENANTS (before God, angels, and witnesses), he had them stand in front of the eternity mirrors. It would look something like this only with a couple in white in it. A mirror in front, a mirror behind, gives the impression of eternity.
If you look at yourself, you can't really see your partner. You have to focus on your partner to really get a good glimpse of eternity. That's my take on it. And the advice was given that the focus needs to be on the other. That now, this partner you've CHOSEN become the most important focus in your life behind God. That right there would solve a multitude of problems.
Advice I heard at another wedding. There is no more ME. There is only WE. So, what would I say? Here's what I'd say to a couple that is getting married and hoping to stay that way.
***Pray. Pray daily, often, all the time. For the other, for your family, for your marriage. Humble yourselves and pray. Alone, together, as a family. Pray.
***Read scriptures together or talk about inspiring uplifting ways to be better.
***If married in the temple, return their often together. Keep your covenants. Feel that peace. Renew your covenants. If not, try to get there. There is no peace anywhere, like there. Do I understand it all? No. But it makes me want to be more Christ centered. To think of me less. To think of others more. Go to the temple. If not of our faith, go to church, often, together, seek God, seek Christ, build the marriage on faith.
***Remember you have made covenants. Marriage is not something to ENTER lightly or leave lightly. A covenant makes a marriage more than between two people. It's a partnership between a couple and God. Yes, there are legitimate reasons for divorce, and that must be taken via number 1. Prayer. But by and large the ME/WE advice prevents a lot of problems. Elder Jeffrey R Holland compares the marriage covenant to the Sacrament.
***Got problems? Welcome to marriage. It's not always a cake walk! Even with the most perfect spouse (sorry girls, he's mine) there are difficulties. Learning HOW to love each other. Learning how to please each other. Learning how to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, when you really want to let the "little member" start burning the place up (James 3:5). Especially in the moment of anger. I am telling you zip it. When you are feeling a bit more stable and peaceful, you can then address a real problem instead of saying something you don't mean in anger.
***Don't go to bed angry. Do go to bed angry. Huh? Yes, I know everyone says, don't go to bed angry. Those are usually people who are better able to curb their anger than a portion of the population. I have found there are times (NO I'm not one of those better able), when it is better to go to bed feeling however you are feeling, keeping your mouth shut, and in the morning when things look fresh and you are rested, you can take up a discussion instead of a fight.
***CLEAVE. LEAVE. DON'T live with mom and dad. Try not to live too near mom and dad unless you can guarantee they won't be checking your medicine cabinet for birth control. Yes, I know a couple who's mother did that!!! It will be so much easier to talk to each other when mom and dad aren't so close to complain to. I know cell phones and computers narrow that gap easily, but your troubles need to stay between you. Work them out. If you can't figure out how to make this work, good luck with most of the rest of your relationships.
***Don't try to fix your partner. You can only fix you. I was very surprised to find out that half the time I've had a problem with HIM, the problem has been me. Ok, fairness. More than half the time. If you really want to rock your world and your ability to solve problems, read some books. Here are some starters.
The 5 Love Languages
As a Man Thinketh
Leadership and Self-Deception (but only if you want to discover YOURS)
Loving What Is
The Peacegiver
That should keep you busy. And by the way, no matter what flaws your spouse has, you have them too. Who can you fix? YOU! That would be my advice.
If you like this post, please share or comment.
No comments:
Post a Comment