I'm grateful I FINALLY understand my mother

It's November 1st. If you aren't careful, Thanksgiving can fly right by and Christmas is upon you, because stores don't really celebrate Thanksgiving. I think honestly Thanksgiving is the best holiday of the year, not just because my wonderful son is coming home the day before, but because it is the only holiday where there is no commerciality. (Is that a word?) It's about seeing the good no matter what. It's about family and rest and football for those who love it. Four days to savor and enjoy and really be happy.

This morning as I signed into Facebook, I saw this blog from my friend in China.

http://weatheringthejourney.wordpress.com/2010/11/01/gratitude-given-imperfectly-a-thanksgiving-habit-day-1/

And because I have been a big gratitude fan the last few years, it immediately drew me to the idea. So, I am going to commit to my 5 a day habit and invite you to do the same. Think of one or more things to be grateful for. Make it a daily habit even outside of November, but especially until Thanksgiving. I like to express my gratitude here. http://www.gratitudelog.com/dmarienorton. You can follow me there if you like. But apparently today, there's nothing but a 503 error. I don't even know what that means, but usually it's my great place to express my gratitude.

But today, I'm only going to focus on one thing. If the 503 goes away, I may go ahead and list 5. This is really hard for me to write. I don't know why, because I think maybe all of 6 people read my blog. Haha. But, it may have something to do with the Perfection post. I do suffer from it. I want my life to flow perfectly. I want my house to be perfect. I enjoy perfectly well behaved children. Haha. I want a perfect marriage and perfect finances and I want to always say the right thing, do the right thing, and never have challenges. Ha!

And I suppose, if I could step outside myself and look at the facade of my life, to others, it might appear nearly perfect. Well, I've been nearly perfectly falling apart for a few months, and now as I think I am coming out the other side of it, it may actually have been longer than that. I do feel fortunate that it could have been much worse (are you reading that dear?) had I not been also attempting the last couple of years to have a positive attitude, to be grateful, to look at the bright side.

But sometimes life just kicks your feet out from under you. There have been some major disappointments recently and I think that really set me up for my little downward spiral. About halfway into the spiral, I realized something. I kept getting uncomfortably hot for no explainable reason. HOT!!!! Sitting there comfortably, minding my own business, and suddenly the furnace kicks on. Not in my house. In my body!!! Holy smokes, turn on the cold water and let me jump in. :-)

But, the spiral continued as I wondered, are those hot flashes??? I decided they were. Which led to more questions, some internet research (don't you just love a world library at your fingertips?), and my realizing that I had some major biochemical celebrations occurring within me. Gotta love maturing. *I* don't age, *I* mature. LOL.

In all of the spiraling, I became the epitome of miserable. Gone was 90% of the gratitude, the positive attitude, the energetic self. I kept running to stay focused on something besides my emotions. Yes, the girl with the amazing emotional techniques and tricks, fell into a sea of misery. Tears, no motivation, not able to get out or do. I have felt absolutely horrible.

Last week, I decided to start back to the local quilt club. I missed it all year while they have been making a wonderful sampler quilt. I really felt I needed to get out socially. I'm a huge social butterfly and I'm locked in my house with "nothing to do." By my own accord? No one to talk to. Ugh. So, I made some Southwest Bean Soup, took along everything I needed to plan my new quilt project, and set out the door. I didn't get down the driveway, before I realized soup was probably not the best thing to take, as I would be lucky to get it there still in the bowl. Sure enough, one too sudden application of the brakes, and the soup spilled onto the carpet of the van. My response? Big emotional puddle.

I pulled over and tried to mop it up with some newspaper, and considered turning around and going home as the tears welled up and spilled over. It was a real battle for a minute, until I realized my response was extreme and I really needed to be around people. So, I went, had a good time, ate some good food, enjoyed the beauty and art of talented ladies, got my project planned, and felt a little restored.

I am happy I saw the Dr last week, happy to be back on Armour thyroid, happy I finished my half marathon, and happy to be taking my little herbal formula.

What does all of this have to do with my mother? Well, at some point, I had to finally admit. Admit what? At first I thought I was depressed, until I realized I was having those darn hot flashes. So, then I knew it was "just my hormones." Well, now I feel so much better. NOT! I've been depressed, I've had post partum depression, and now this new loopdy loop. I haven't liked any of them and I think this one was/is really the worst. The pits! And knowing it could last 10 years??? Yeah, that's really depressing. But this was suppose to be about gratitude.

A few days ago, it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I finally understood why my mother did what she did. If you don't know me well enough to know what she did, then you'll just have to find out from someone that does. For 24 years now I have wondered WHY? HOW? What about my little brother???!!! And feeling the way I have felt the last while, swirling in emotion, frustration, sadness, ANGER....and my life is so good.

A good home, a good family, a good husband, good children, a good standard of living, good freedoms, good faith, good friends, good health, good, good, good. And I have been blinded to a good portion of it, not because I did not WANT to see all of the good, I literally COULD not bring myself to see it. Those chemicals coursing through our bodies known as hormones can really reek some stinkin' havoc!

My mother had so much that I know she must have been experiencing as bad. I won't name them here. But there were plenty, from the time she was 10 or 11. And I truly believe now, that she was either also dealing with heavy hormonal problems (she was 46 or 47?) or she was likely clinically depressed. The pain when life is good, can be unbearable. I cannot imagine how excruciating she was feeling. And so, as crazy and horrible as it was, it must have made perfect sense. Just STOP the pain.

The irony of course is, that no single moment in time lasts. Heartaches heal, storms pass, relationships change--often for the better, and life does go on. And we have a big part in creating our future. I am so sad, my mother was not able to figure that out. But, I am grateful there is an eternal day ahead, where we will be reunited again. Where there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more heartache. Rev. 7:17, Rev. 21:4.

And most importantly of all, we have a Savior. Not just some ephemeral romantic idea of a distant God who rules the universe and looks down fondly at his distant creations. No! A real, living, caring, loving atoning Savior. He didn't just take our sins, He's borne our griefs and sorrows. He knows our needs. He knows our names. He knows the hairs of our head. Or lack thereof. He wants us to turn to Him. He wants to take our burdens.

He took my mother's, He's taking mine, and He'll take yours. And THAT'S really something to be grateful for.