Wow! I forgot. What does it Mean?

IAT = I am thankful

for healing hurts
for conversations with friends
for miracles that come out of messes
for plenty to do
for the ability to do it

I've spent the last few months pondering a lot of things. That's not what this post is about. The pondering led to some new decisions which have led to a pile of work the last few weeks. I could blame "it" on that. That's not it. What is "it?"

October 20. Twenty nine years ago, my mother took her life. Worst day of my life obviously. It's rare that I forget that day. And typically if I do, I remember it within a day or two. October hits and I know it's coming and I wake up that day nearly every year and think about what it marks and the what ifs. Of course, 6 or so years ago, I had my healing moment and October has had less and less power over me.

I do usually remember the day, but it has become more and more to me, just a date. A date that something difficult happened. That's about it. Next day.

Today it's November 13. It was a very long day and I was hoping to go to bed early. I remembered a baby shower I wanted to go to. I went and enjoyed being out and visiting and seeing the new mom open gifts. I came home and checked my messages. There was one from a friend asking for some thoughts about a friend who's soon to be daughter in law lost her mother to suicide last year. I told her I would ponder and give her an answer. So, I was thinking about it.

Then IT HIT ME! It's November. It never even crossed my mind!!! I wondered about that. How could that be? The single worst day of my life has become just another day. There is peace in my life and I literally didn't even think about it. I didn't even think about it, when the last week of October I was trying to remember whether my dad's birthday was on the 23rd or 29th. You'd think that would trigger the memory. Nope.

I think I know what it is. Well, it is peace, but it's what Paul said.

I like the wording, STRAINING forward. Many things have changed for me this year. I haven't written about them. Maybe I will. My striving or straining this year has been to let all drop off of me that is not of eternal worth. It does take CONCERTED effort. It's not something you can be casual about and really see progress. I had not thought about it in terms of straining FORWARD and I like that. I have a long way to go, but the prize is ahead and my eyes are on it.

My mother is not BEHIND. She is behind in my memories. My mother is FORWARD. I want to strain forward for the day when she comes into view. I know she's there. Looking back will not help me find her and who know's if it actually BLINDS me to her? Looking back for things DOES blind us to the life going on all around us. I don't want that. I want to embrace the now with my eye on the future.

I have tasted of the peace that passes all understanding. And I LOVE IT!!! It's always been with me, but I just did not pay as much attention to it as I certainly should have. So now, I do because I want to! My desire is so great to finish the race well. I pray for courage and strength every day to face whatever comes. I forgot. It's a new day. Tears of gratitude in my eyes, because THAT horrible day, no longer has power over me. #thankFUL

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