Thoughts are the THING!

IAT = I am thankful

for a brain that works most of the time, for helpful Chemistry classmates, for opportunity, for helpful children, for a supportive husband.

Today I took a test. A Chemistry test. Yes, I am taking a Chemistry class in 1/3 the time most normal people take a Chemistry class, because apparently I am a glutton for punishment.

So, I have to start with how I felt/thought about this going in. I'm taking Chem 1 and 2 and eventually Biochem, because Biochem is required for the masters degree I want to pursue.  I was nervous and terribly frightened with a touch of excited expectancy. Nervous and frightened because I haven't taken this kind of a class in over 20 years. Excited because since I have been studying the body in the form of health and nutrition for a similar 20 years, I thought I might enjoy learning about chemistry. And  I really do. It's just so fast! I feel like I'm only skimming off the top of a very deep pond.

So, what does this have to do with thoughts? Well, last week I took a test (and the week before) and there was so much information, I thought my head would explode. So much math. Math doesn't scare me, but the application of the chemistry principles does. I feel like I decided to go running, and I can't stop. Because if I do, all concepts will go flying past me. I can only keep up if I keep running. But I'm barely keeping up.

So, I prepared for the test by studying about 60 hours that week. That includes class time, homework, and study.  And most of the other weeks have been the same. I sat down to take the test, and the 2 very easy first problems threw me. And then I did an internal gasp. So, I skipped them and started answering the ones I knew. Only there weren't very many I knew completely. Then I went back and tried to answer the ones I did not know the best I could. It was TORTURE, and by the end of the test, I was pretty convinced  that I was going to fail it. Why those thoughts disturbed me so, still deserve exploring, because it was through my thoughts later, that I was able to make a turnaround about it.

I handed my test in, the very last student, at the very last minute. I put my head down on the table and felt the tears burning my eyes. I lifted my head because I did not want to sob in front of the next oldest student (I'm the oldest) and the professor. I went into the bathroom and let the tears flow. Pulled myself back together and went to lab. With an obviously red face. Sigh. And then he started teaching the concepts for lab, and I felt like someone opened a fire hose and said,

"HERE, TAKE A DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

as I roll down the sidewalk trying to take just a sip. And there came the darn tears again. I'm wiping them away trying to will myself to pull myself together. And then I realized!

I DON"T EVEN KNOW IF I FAILED THE TEST. I only THINK I did. And that is what is causing all of this ridiculous emotion. Ok, so what if I am all upset and I did NOT fail the test? Well, then, I would feel better. So really, I am just worrying in advance? Yep. That's just silly. But don't we do that all the time? It's what me and a friend like to call darn jacking it. You'll have to read about that, in this post.

So, as I sat there trying to breathe and settle down so I could listen, I remembered something. The teacher drops the grade of the lowest test. Hooray! I'll just drop it. And after all was said and done, I got a 73. Not great; but enough to keep me in my B average with all the homework and lab work.

And today, I had the exact opposite experience. I studied 10 or 12 hours a day like last week (including class and lab time) and went in feeling nervous but pretty certain of myself, in spite of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. Ha! I took the test. None of it made me too nervous. It took me most of the time to take it, but I left with a smile on my test. I calculated the points I thought I probably got and concluded, I just might have pulled off an A. I was so afraid to think that, but it made me FEEL good. So, I let myself.

And then I got my test back.  A 74. What??? A 74? Didn't expect that. But, because I started the whole thing with such a good mood, and had resolved last week, with my ace in the hole though, I was fine with it. I still have a B. That may be my Chemistry song.

And it just occurred to me strongly, even though I already try to live with positive thoughts, how IMPORTANT our thoughts really are. And that Byron Katie is right.

“Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector—mind—rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.”

Ha! I need more practice at simply letting go and and not letting my thoughts get the best of me.

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